2010

So as this year comes to a close shortly, I'd say it's been a roller coaster. Not all bad, but... mostly bad.

I started a new job. It's good, and I'm very lucky to have it, but it's very different.

BW and I got to go to Maui again and had a great time, but there were some bumps along the way, not between him and me, just life curveballs.

I feel like I didn't see my family as much this year as I wanted to or should, but the times we did hang it was good; saw my deceased cousin's sons for the first time in over 10 years, and it was a bit emotional for me. I remember welling up a bit looking at them for a second, but the feeling was not mutual, at least from my vantage point, and I don't fault them. I haven't seen my brother all year and I hate that. It's never been like that. I miss him so much and I fear losing my connection with him.

My grandmother died at 101: it was a long time coming! I feel okay with it, it was completely time, but I saw myself looking at my mom, and worried for her. I wonder how she feels, how she is coping. I sense her loneliness, and I kick myself for not putting an effort into spending more time with her.

I'm a lot less anxious this year. That's a big success! My anxiety cripples me. I overthink, overanalyze, over-worry about things, bad things that could potentially come to fruition, and it eats up my thoughts, especially my nights. I read somewhere this year that feelings only last for 3 seconds until you feed them with thoughts, so I try to apply that, when I remember.

My friendships were never tested this year. Many friends come and go in my life, and there is a long list of friends I keep in light touch with but rarely see. We do the periodic text "how are you? let's do lunch" with both of us knowing it won't happen. But the constant friendships I've had this year have only gotten stronger and deeper. I appreciate my friends more than ever, I sit back and watch them grow, and I see them evolve into mothers, wives, adults dealing with real issues, dealing with scenarios that I haven't had to deal with ever/yet, and I respect them so much, and I learn more from them than ever before. I feel my friend's triumphs as my own a bit, and I revel in that feeling. And when a friend goes through heartbreak, I feel that too, more than I ever expected to feel.

I know what they mean when they say as you grow you are overwhelmed less about the imposing world, what people think, and how you're perceived, and that time flies by. That all is true. I'm far less intimidated by things and people than I used to be in my early twenties. This is something I wish I could have told my younger self.

I'm ready for 2011.

Halloween on Carnation Ave.

Halloween comes and passes the same way for the last few years... there's some drinking, laughing, competition as to who looks the sexiest/scariest/most original, mad dashes to get to all the parties one wants to hit, and then the buzzed ride home in your ripped/stained/sweaty costume getup.

I miss Halloween, the real kind. The kind from when I was a kid.

My parents put on an amazing haunted house every year. We sent out flyers and got neighborhood kids to come and volunteer to set up the house and work during the night. My dad would get out all the garb (oversize spider in a mirrored box contraption, lifesize black coffin, "Maggie" the witch as my sister fondly named her, and various other things), we'd play Halloween songs and scary sound bites all day, and when night came, we had a line down the block full of people wanting to come in to check it out.

My mother was always the guide. She let in groups of 5 at a time, I'll never forget her assertive voice "FIVE at a time please!", and led them on a mini tour of our front room while we were in our appropriate stations and scared the kids all along the way. The finale was the wolf man in the closet (usually my dad or a cousin), who would come out a grab a kid.

It was so much fun. It was so unique. My dad made so much food, each year his notorious lasagna. My parents were pros at this Halloween gig; I don't know where it started from, how or when it started, and I don't really remember when exactly it stopped happening. The world got scarier, our environment less safe, it wasn't so kosher anymore to invite kids into your house on halloween and scare the living hell out of them, and my parents were getting older and not so into all the work it entailed. Somehow, sometime, it just stopped happening.

But those Halloweens were the best times of my life. My parents enriched my life so much growing up, and this amazing Halloween tradition was something that I'll never forget: the smells of the house, the sounds of the scary stories on tape, my mom's goofy screams (she still happily performs those for us sometimes though), the hustle and bustle of the house as hundreds of people piled in and through it.

One day, I hope to have a house of my own. And I hope to, in some way, bring this tradition back. I know the world has changed dramatically, inviting strangers into your home and freaking them out with a 10 ft witch thrust in their face and a fake hand on their shoulder is not something people recommend doing these days, but it's something I'd love to re-create in some way.

I know my mom and those screams will forever be at the ready.

I've found him, now I miss him.

I miss BW. I've been more alone than usual this past month, life really is different without my boyfriend. We've been together almost 5 years now, and most of it has gone by so fast. It's crazy. I miss having someone at night, I miss calling him up and making plans to hang out, head to disneyland, see a movie, go to a party.

I miss standing up on my toes to kiss him. I miss the way he smells and the way he kisses my hand when we're driving. I miss everything about him. I also missed him so much that I tried in some ways to feel closer to him. And those ways worked; I not only feel closer to him, but I feel like I know him a little better.

I don't know what I'd do if I had to miss him forever. Our love is a great love, it's intense but also comfortable. It's exciting and fresh even after all this time but also familiar and cozy, and relaxed. These are feelings in a relationship I have never felt before. Somehow, I've found someone whom I love so intensely and hard that it sometimes hurts and sometimes it scares me, someone who is truly my best friend, who actually understands me, who I don't fake anything around. But I've also found a constant in him, a knowing feeling that he'll always feel the same way and be in my life.. almost like I found a family member whose bond can never be broken... He knows I do not like the roller coasters and hurdles life puts you through, I do not like instability or change, and although he is someone who is very different from me (change and new things excite him, and he can handle the loops and swirls of life better than I), we are a good balance. He's made me more open to new things in life. He honestly teaches me something new every day (from how those power windmill things work on the way to Palm Springs to what looks cool on an old chopper). I look at him and I see someone who has been through a lot, but still manages to laugh every day (more like every hour), find fun and humor in anything, and be nice and eager to meet and engage anyone whose path he crosses. If he is ever having a weak day or moment, he rarely shows it.

When I first met him, I knew he was that person that lights up a room. He was that person that his friends really looked forward to seeing and talking to, hearing his funny stories and just in general being around him.

I'm so proud, just truly proud, to have a guy like him love me. I feel so special, blessed, and lucky, because for a love like ours, it takes the right timing, perseverance, and a bit of luck.

But back to the waiting... I'd wait a hundred years for him. 6 weeks is nothing. Can't wait to celebrate his return!!!!

Holding out for a hero til the end of the night.

This is my first blog. I feel overwhelmed... what do you say on your first blog? Do I give a really long monologue of everything that's been going on in my life for the past year?

So I'll just start with the last situation that has been on my mind.

I was in Chicago the past couple days, but before that I was thinking a lot about my brother. He is up in Northern Ca for school, and I haven't seen him since last Christmas. I tried contacting him and asking what he thought if we flew him down next weekend to surprise my mom; we're taking her out for her belated birthday then. He was saddened to say he couldn't make it; he had too many projects that were due around that time. No clue what he means by that, I assume school things. And he has a part time job with a big nursery up north.


My brother Kyle is my little baby bro. I beat him up a bit growing up... okay, a lot. I slammed on my brakes once while driving when he was unbuckled and jumping into the front upon my request and I laughed as his face hit the dashboard radio, hard. His face was bruised and swollen. I said sorry after his crying subsided and he immediately forgave me and dropped it. He didn't even tell our parents about it.


He was 8 at the time. Around then, I knew this kid was really special. After that, I started to observe that he was never one to judge or make fun of people, he got along with everyone, and he was social, extremely easy-going, incredibly sweet-natured, and got a kick out of even the simple and small things in life. While I was embarrassed that my parents drove a really old car and I would tell my dad to drop me off a block away from school so no one would see it, and we didn't live in a nice house and I would never invite any friends over, Kyle never cared, in fact, I don't think he ever saw the difference between the way we lived and the way others lived. Or if he did see it, it mattered zilch to him. He carried the self-esteem that my sister and I couldn't manage to find until our later years.


His life changed early in high school. He fell into a dark hole that no one but himself could get out of. I felt myself losing touch with him prior to and during the dark hole time (2 years). I didn't start out heartbroken, I was mad. Mad at Kyle. I could not understand how little he suddenly cared about us and life. When I saw him, I called him selfish. I didn't know or realize at that time the severity of this dark hole, that this monster takes over a person, makes them incapable of being in control of their own life and decisions. During those two years, my brother was not Kyle. This monster had held Kyle hostage, had eaten his soul, and made the body of Kyle not care about his family, his friends, his school, his life.


Towards the end of the two years I started to learn that I quite possibly may never have Kyle back. The next step we foresaw was to just watch Kyle disappear into oblivion; into another dark world in which he would not function ever again as a normal human being, much less the amazing kid he was before this. By this time, it was a common thing that brother was gone for months at a time. We tried everything. Then I started to really freak out. I didn't sleep. I drove the streets at night looking for him, I phone-bombed and screamed at his friends and tried to prosecute his adult "dark hole" contacts.


This was when I really learned what a whole new type of loss was like. I started laying in bed every night and telling myself to prepare to go on with a brother who was as good as dead, and to try to get used to it. My heart was shattered. My parents were completely broken, and life was miserable, scary, and felt hopeless.


By some still unknown miracle... Kyle came back to us at around 17. On his own. We didn't believe it at first, it wasn't as if a light switch was flipped on and we were all back on board, we were wary. But it was him alright, Kyle, my beloved, hilarious, talented little brother, he was all the way back in the flesh and mind. He ended up finishing high school, and signed up for college, got a job, and was on his way to starting an adult life.


We've had a few conversations about what happened, and although I'll never know what exactly his turning point was (and it's also occurred to me that maybe I wouldn't want to know) to make him climb out of his dark hole, I couldn't be more grateful.

I've learned throughout those 2 years that getting out of something so dark and so all-consuming, soul-rotting, and life-changing, might be hands-down the hardest battle in life one has to overcome. I say this because getting out of that is something only the eaten-up, withered, and totally altered victim can do, and no one and nothing else can do it for them, and because of that, Kyle is my hero. He is the strongest person I know.


My mother had at least one miscarriage before Kyle, she and my father wanted a boy to finish out the family after my sister and I were born. Then finally, after so much hoping and waiting, this gorgeous little blonde cute thing was born, and he's changed my life and taught me more than I'll ever know about struggle and hardship, and overcoming the odds. After my parents' tragic loss of their unborn, Kyle finally came along. And yes, of course I'm sure the child who was supposed to come before Kyle was going to be amazing too, but I wouldn't trade Kyle for the world, nor for anyone else. And this last paragraph goes out to my friend of our own two-person "pssshhhsshffpuhpuh" club.