2010

So as this year comes to a close shortly, I'd say it's been a roller coaster. Not all bad, but... mostly bad.

I started a new job. It's good, and I'm very lucky to have it, but it's very different.

BW and I got to go to Maui again and had a great time, but there were some bumps along the way, not between him and me, just life curveballs.

I feel like I didn't see my family as much this year as I wanted to or should, but the times we did hang it was good; saw my deceased cousin's sons for the first time in over 10 years, and it was a bit emotional for me. I remember welling up a bit looking at them for a second, but the feeling was not mutual, at least from my vantage point, and I don't fault them. I haven't seen my brother all year and I hate that. It's never been like that. I miss him so much and I fear losing my connection with him.

My grandmother died at 101: it was a long time coming! I feel okay with it, it was completely time, but I saw myself looking at my mom, and worried for her. I wonder how she feels, how she is coping. I sense her loneliness, and I kick myself for not putting an effort into spending more time with her.

I'm a lot less anxious this year. That's a big success! My anxiety cripples me. I overthink, overanalyze, over-worry about things, bad things that could potentially come to fruition, and it eats up my thoughts, especially my nights. I read somewhere this year that feelings only last for 3 seconds until you feed them with thoughts, so I try to apply that, when I remember.

My friendships were never tested this year. Many friends come and go in my life, and there is a long list of friends I keep in light touch with but rarely see. We do the periodic text "how are you? let's do lunch" with both of us knowing it won't happen. But the constant friendships I've had this year have only gotten stronger and deeper. I appreciate my friends more than ever, I sit back and watch them grow, and I see them evolve into mothers, wives, adults dealing with real issues, dealing with scenarios that I haven't had to deal with ever/yet, and I respect them so much, and I learn more from them than ever before. I feel my friend's triumphs as my own a bit, and I revel in that feeling. And when a friend goes through heartbreak, I feel that too, more than I ever expected to feel.

I know what they mean when they say as you grow you are overwhelmed less about the imposing world, what people think, and how you're perceived, and that time flies by. That all is true. I'm far less intimidated by things and people than I used to be in my early twenties. This is something I wish I could have told my younger self.

I'm ready for 2011.